Nutripuncture: The Ultimate in Pseudoscience

I thought it was satire. I assumed it was from The Onion or some other site using scientific-sounding words to mock the Examiner.com nimrods who post their total lack of understanding of nutrition.

I mean, look at this. Who could believe it's to be taken seriously?

When Anna walked into the university auditorium at California Institute of Integral Studies (CIIS), she was limping in obvious pain, barely able to put weight on her left knee. "It's nothing but bone on bone; I need a knee replacement," she said.

But after a few brief moments of Nutripuncture delivered by French scientist and medical doctor Patrick Veret, Anna walked around in a circle, upright and spry, as if no surgery was needed. "I'm stunned. What just happened?" she asked.

The California Institute of Integral Studies? That's a made-up name, right?

Wrong. It's real, although reality is a loose concept from here on in. And Nutripuncture is "real" as well, even though it sounds like what it is, a ridiculous mishmosh of nutrition and acupuncture.

The nonsense stunning my system began when I read a press release titled Nutritional Acupuncture Restores Health in Stunning Demo.

Read this.

Dr. Veret is an expert in the science of Nutripuncture, a medical breakthrough developed in France based upon the original findings of scientist George Lakhovsky who worked with oscillating polymetallic circuits. Veret and his colleague Cristina Coumo, an Italian practitioner and movement therapist, offered two days of demonstrations before CIIS faculty and staff.

Oscillating polymetallic circuits? Remember that game of choosing one word from column A, one from column B, and one from column C and making them into an impressive-sounding but meaningless phrase? That's the kindest description I can give of oscillating polymetallic circuits. Nothing like that exists in science. It doesn't even exist in pseudoscience. A Google search for "Oscillating polymetallic circuits" returns only one hit: the press release.

It gets loonier the farther you read. Try this section:

according to Veret, Nutripuncture operates on additional dimensions, including psychological, spiritual, emotional, physical and an energetic plane that can only be described as pre-manifested or the process of incarnating into human flesh.

The more Veret tried to explain how Nutripuncture works, (in French with Cuomo's translations) the more the assembled parties wanted to see another demonstration. Soon people were asking for "whatever Anna got" No matter what physical complaint was presented to Veret, he began the same way. He asked the person "What is your name?" over and over. As the person responded, Veret listened carefully for the way the person embodied his or her identity, and from there, uncovered which lines of vital force in the body were laboring under miscommunication or sustained trauma or any number of breakdowns in energy flow. He then tested the muscle strength (applied kinesiology) while having the client chew a sequence of tiny mineral supplements—little chalky pills that contain trace amounts of substances such as calcium, zinc, and potassium, flavored with a little stevia and bound with "neutralized" lactose.

Ah, yes. "Neutralized" lactose. No wonder Anna's knee miraculously cured. If he used non-neutralized lactose, she might have exploded. Into rainbows and puppies.

You know that this is quackery, pure and simple. Nobody, not the deepest-dyed woo-woo among you, can take instant cures based on "oscillating polymetallic circuits" seriously.

But what about Patricia Biesen's Your dairy-free first aid kit from *shudder* examiner.com? Would you understand as quickly that it is just as meaningless?

Sometimes even with the best of intentions, you may have an “oops” moment. “Oh no there was sour cream in that?” Next, you wind up not feeling so good. Here comes your first aid kit to the rescue, what every lactose intolerant foodie should have on hand for “emergencies”: ...

Digestive or Swedish bitters. Can be taken as a liquid medicinal or capsule form. Swedish bitters are a traditional herbal tonic, composed of 11 herbs: aloe, myrrh, saffron, senna leaves, camphor, rhubarb roots, zedvoary roots, manna, theriac venezian, carline thistle roots and angelica roots in a base of water and alcohol.

Biesen also confused lactose intolerance with cow's milk protein allergies. And she shills for other "alternative" products like Natren’s Mega Dophilus, Unikey’s high potency Magnesium, and Neti pots, none of which will do the slightest bit of good for any LI individual who has ingested milk. None.

There are degrees of pseudoscience, but that's like saying that zero comes in flavors. Skip the woo-woo. Science ain't perfect but the alternative is just plain nuts.